What is forgiveness? Forgiveness isn't easy Basics of forgiveness Practical benefits of forgiveness
Forgiveness ≠ absolution
Survivors' stories about
forgiveness
The concept of forgiveness continues to be debated world-wide. Some people think it's a virtue; other think it's foolishness. Some believe it's a simple act; others think it's a complex process. Some think it's a spiritual requirement; others think it's totally optional. They're all correct.
In this website, the word forgiveness will be used to communicate the following concept: choosing to think about, and behave towards, the person who harmed us without malice, hatred, or plans for revenge.
Part of the transition from anger to forgiveness involves choosing to think about the person who harmed us as a fellow human who has value and worth. This requires that we discard our old thoughts about the person as a caricature; dehumanized object; monster; or soulless, incomplete entity. Although we are more likely to use the concept of humanizing our enemies when we think about people who have directly harmed us or our loved ones; we can also apply it towards people and groups that we have been conditioned - by our own ethnic groups or cultures - to stereotype and discriminate against.
It can be especially difficult to forgive a person:
 | who we fear may harm us - or our loved ones - again |
| who does seem soulless or monstrous |
| with whom we have had a close or long relationship |
| who expresses zero remorse |
| who insists he/she is innocent |
| who blackmails us...emotionally or otherwise |
| who turns our loved ones against us |
| who is defended and supported by people we still need in our lives |
| who continues to victimize us and other innocents |
| upon whom we have become dependent |
| who is masterful at making us feel responsible for his/her abuse |
| who repeatedly traumatized and abused us |
| who died and is now popularly thought of as sainted or monstrous |
If we have difficulty transitioning from anger to forgiveness, we may benefit by seeking help from support persons, or trained professionals, who are familiar with the processes of forgiveness, grief, and trauma recovery. And if we are in survival mode because the person continues to be an active threat to us or our loved ones, or if we are preparing to testify against the person, it may not be the best time to try to forgive them.
Not to forgive is to be imprisoned by the past, by old grievances that do
not permit life to proceed with new business. Not to forgive is to yield oneself
to another's control... to be locked into a sequence of act and response, of
outrage and revenge, tit for tat, escalating always. The present is endlessly
overwhelmed and devoured by the past. Forgiveness frees the forgiver. It
extracts the forgiver from someone else's nightmare - Lance Morrow
The following information about revenge and forgiveness is part of an interview with Michael E. McCullogh, author of Beyond Revenge: The Evolution of Forgiveness Instinct.
| It deters people from harming us a second time |
| We may use it as an insurance policy to keep from being harmed, by developing a reputation as a person who "does payback" |
| It enables high level of cooperation by using systems and institutions that use punishment to enforce cooperation. |
| MRIs indicate that revenge activates the part of the brain's pleasure system connected with making plans that the person believes will lead to a reward. It's an exquisite, short-term type of pleasure on par with the sensation of "jonesing". It especially kicks-in when we think about seeing our enemies suffer justly. |
| Revenge is genetic, and yet it is not mandated by our genes. We have a choice not to enact vengeance. |
| We have a taste for punishment when we have been hurt. |
| The prefrontal cortex becomes involved when we think, "What is the greatest pain I can inflict on my enemies?" |
| We need to develop tolerance towards the mistakes of others, anyway. |
| We need to accept the reality that our interests, and the interests of others, will never line-up perfectly. |
| Forgiveness helps us to cooperate more effectively in social processes. |
| Forgiving our enemies is part of thinking about the future. We benefit from our enemies' future good will. We need to endow these relations with value for all involved parties. |
| We can learn from business economics: when people stand to make money, they will put old grievances to the side. |
| Is the person someone I feel sorry for? This decision to forgive usually involves feeling empathy or compassion for the other person. |
| Will I benefit from the person becoming better? |
| I need to feel safe and secure. I need to feel less stress and anxiety. I will forgive that person so that he or she will be less likely to hurt me a second time |
Some
survivors feel alarmed when they are challenged to forgive people who have
committed acts of evil against them. They may believe what their culture has
taught them: that forgiveness is a sign of weakness. They may worry that if they
decide to forgive the perpetrator, they will become more vulnerable to the
perpetrator. They may also worry that they will be rejected by supporters who
may actually be using the survivor to relive - on an unconscious level - their own
repressed anger, hatred, and desire for revenge.
Regardless of the cost, recovery requires - very simply - that we put our healing before the needs and demands of others. When we choose to forgive, we may benefit from our decision in surprising ways. Click here to read about the practical benefits of forgiveness.
Forgiveness
is about repairing our relationship with the world around us. It is about
healing ourselves more completely. It is about taking a major step towards
getting on with our lives. It is about giving ourselves the love and grace and
forgiveness that we deserve. Forgiveness is not absolution. Contrary to some religious
teachings, forgiveness is not a healthy moral act if it includes us giving the perpetrator
a "get out of jail free" card. Even if we truly care about the
offending person; even if we pray
for him or her; we are still legally and morally required - as members of
society - to do whatever is required of us to protect society from the
perpetrator.
When we take personally the crimes that another person commits against us, we may focus our attention on how the perpetrator's behaviors have affected us. We may not understand that when we do not speak out about the perpetrator's harmful behaviors, we are helping to enable him/her to possibly harm more victims. When a person is in so much pain or terror that he/she commits serious acts of evil against other humans, the pain does not dissipate after it's been inflicted onto those victims. The deep mental and emotional wounds inside the perpetrator that generate such extreme pain and terror will continue until the wounds are properly treated. Indeed, the greatest act of kindness we can do for a perpetrator, and the most responsible thing we can do as a member of society, is to report what we have experienced to people who are willing and able to ensure that the perpetrator will not be free to harm anyone else.
Although our legal system can be manipulated, and although the perpetrator may not brought to justice, more people will be aware of what the perpetrator is capable of doing to more victims. Once the authorities have been contacted, and a report about the perpetrator's actions has been developed, the record will be available, in the future, to validate reports made by other victims.
When we choose to seek help for ourselves if needed, when we speak out on our own behalf, and when we choose to forgive those who have harmed us, we can become stronger, more self-assured, and more intimately connected with our own selves...and with the world around us.
An excellent resource for learning more about the actual forgiveness process is The Forgiveness Project, a charitable foundation based in Great Britain. Their organization has compiled many stories written by individual survivors - of trauma and some of the worst imaginable forms of abuse - who chose to forgive the people who had harmed them or their loved ones.
Each survivor's story is unique and powerful, and provides a solid example of how we can - if we choose - learn how to forgive others who have harmed us.
Disclaimer
No part of the Healing Journey recovery website is to be used as a substitute for professional therapy. If you need professional support, please contact a qualified ministerial or mental health professional. Materials in this website may be printed or copied for personal use only. Readers are welcome to agree or disagree with any statements made in this website, and may benefit from sharing and discussing them with support persons.