Once
upon a time, there was an adult named Caregiver who provided a home for a child
whom Caregiver dearly loved.
Although Caregiver’s heart was full of love for the child, Caregiver
felt sad whenever the child was away from home.
During
those alone times, Caregiver's life felt empty. Caregiver didn’t know – yet
- that lots of other caregivers felt just as sad and lonely when their children
had to go to Other Places. This kind of loneliness was one of the most awful
feelings Caregiver had ever experienced.
Caregiver
also felt anxious when the child was gone, because Caregiver knew the people at
the Other Place. Because some of them had abused Caregiver in the past,
Caregiver feared that they would now turn their anger on the child.
Until the child started visiting the Other Place, the child and Caregiver had gotten along fairly well. The child had seemed to feel safe with Caregiver, and had comfortably accepted Caregiver's love and and had respected Caregiver's authority. But their relationship changed for the worse when one of the people at the Other Place had demanded that People with Power order the Caregiver to let the child to visit the Other Place.
Although Caregiver had tried to tell the People with Power about Caregiver's fears for the child's safety, the People with Power had ignored Caregiver's concerns, and had quickly granted unsupervised visitation with the people at the Other Place. Even though Caregiver had hired an attorney to help protect the child, the People with Power seemed to believe that Caregiver was making up stories about the abuse to keep the child at home all the time. One of the People with Power had even lectured Caregiver about the immorality of being selfish, and had warned Caregiver that if Caregiver ever tried to stop the child from visiting the Other Place...the child would be ordered to live at the Other Place all the time!
After the ruling, Caregiver was in a state of shock, which was soon followed by strong waves of sadness, anger, fear and grief. Caregiver had always believed that good guys would win, and that the system would protect the innocent and punish the guilty. This is why the actions of the People with Power broke Caregiver's heart.
In the deep crack of Caregiver's newly broken heart, a seed of bitterness found a resting place. As it sprouted and wound up and out of the crack, Caregiver soon found it difficult...then impossible...to trust People with Power. Where a once-innocent heart believed in justice, Caregiver became convinced that People with Power were bad because they chose to protect abusers and give them access to little children.
To keep from going insane with worry over the child, Caregiver tried to believe that the people at the Other Place would not abuse the child the way they had abused Caregiver. But the denial was shattered by a disturbing new development: every time the child returned home, the child was wary and distrustful and treated Caregiver like scary perpetrator. The child's strange behaviors created new fractures in Caregiver's already wounded heart.
Caregiver frantically consulted with other Caring People for advice about how to respond to the child's troubling new behaviors. The caring People gave all kinds of advice: some was good, some was not so good. After a while, Caregiver reverted to relying on instinct. Even though the child’s new behaviors hurt Caregiver's heart in new and terrible ways, Caregiver did not retaliate in anger. Instead, Caregiver worked hard to remain patient, firm and loving towards the child.
This tactic worked. Each time the child returned home, Caregiver noticed that - after a couple of days - the child started to relax and trust Caregiver again.
Unfortunately, the pattern continued. Caregiver would attempt to repair the relationship with the child during their precious time together; then Caregiver would relinquish the child to the people at the Other Place; then the child would return...distrusting and rebellious and hostile.
Caregiver felt as if energy was seeping away, slowly but surely. Caregiver tried to tell People with Power about Caregiver's concerns about the child's welfare, but was repeatedly accused - by the People with Power - of fabricating stories to keep the child from being able to spend time with the people at the Other Place.
Unable to stop the child from going to the Other Place, even after the child cried and begged Caregiver not to make the child go to the Other Place, Caregiver worried that the child might believe that Caregiver didn't care about the child.
There were so many things that Caregiver wanted to say to the child. Caregiver remained mute - not out of choice, but because Caregiver was repeatedly threatened - by the people at the Other Place - that if Caregiver said anything negative to the child about those people, or tried to keep the child from going to the Other Place, that Caregiver would be punished by the People with Power. To ensure Caregiver's full cooperation, the people at the Other Place hired an attorney to harass Caregiver through the court.
More
and more, Caregiver felt depressed, betrayed, helpless and hopeless.
Because
of things the child said and did after some visits to the Other Place, Caregiver
figured out several of the ways that the child was being abused by the people at
the Other Place. Unfortunately, the hurtful people had worked hard to convince
most friends and neighbors that the Other Place was a good and wonderful place
for children to visit.
Alarmed about the child's statement, Caregiver took the child to a special place for children who were being hurt by adults. Caregiver hoped that someone at the special place would convince the child to “tell”. Caregiver’s hopes were dashed when Caregiver was informed that the child did not disclose anything to these strangers.
Caregiver
started to feel insane. Maybe the child hadn't made the statement to Caregiver,
after all. Maybe there were other reasons why the child was behaving in
troubling ways. Maybe statements that people at the Other Place made about
Caregiver were true: maybe Caregiver was crazy!
With
nowhere else to turn, Caregiver prayed
to the Higher Power for a miracle...for something - anything - that would
protect the child from being abused again. When nothing happened, the bitterness
in Caregiver's heart flourished.
The child's behaviors worsened each time the child returned home. The once-sweet and respectful child was now acting in mean and hurtful ways towards Caregiver. One day in particular, Caregiver realized - with a shock - that the hurtful people at the Other Place seemed to be hurting Caregiver through the child's body!
Frantic with worry, Caregiver tried breaking the law to protect the child. Caregiver deliberately refused to give the child to the people at the Other Place...promptly, they called the police and had Caregiver arrested.
More
and more, Caregiver felt distrustful towards People with Power.
Caregiver developed a new belief: when good people try to do the right thing to
protect children from abuse, they will be harmed by People with Power.
Ironically, the people at the Other Place - who publicly claimed to care about the child - behaved in manners that indicated the opposite. Although ordered by People with Power to send Caregiver money to meet the child's basic needs, they withheld that money and instead paid thousands of dollars to attorneys to continue to harass Caregiver through the legal system. And although they were ordered by People with Power to provide insurance coverage for the child, they refused to give Caregiver documentation that would prove that the child had insurance coverage.
Their actions put forced Caregiver - and the child - to live a life of poverty.
And
yet, in spite of all the stresses and strains on Caregiver's life and mind and
heart and wallet, Caregiver never stopped loving and nurturing the child.
Determined to put the child's needs first, Caregiver chose to live without basic
necessities to ensure that the child's needs would be met.
Whenever
the child went to the Other Place, Caregiver continued to do necessary adult
things like working and grocery shopping. Still, other adults noticed that
something was wrong; Caregiver had lost happiness and peace.
Some coworkers and friends and neighbors started to talk about these new changes. Occasionally, someone would ask Caregiver, “What’s wrong?” If Caregiver sensed that the inquiring adult was genuinely concerned, Caregiver might tell the adult about Caregiver’s fears for the child’s safety.
Sometimes the listener would provide emotional support to Caregiver. Several adults made the standard promise to pray for the child. But the majority of listeners seemed upset, impatient, and even doubtful when Caregiver shared concerns about the child's welfare.
Because most listeners were acquainted with the people at the Other Place, they chose to believe that Caregiver was either crazy or lying. A few of the listeners - who perhaps meant well - actually informed the people at the Other Place about what Caregiver had said.
Soon the people at the Other Place threatened to sue Caregiver for slander if Caregiver didn't stop "talking" about them to friends and neighbors.
More and more, Caregiver felt terrified and alone.
And as Caregiver felt the last bit of heart-energy drain down into the ground, the child became even more withdrawn. Until now, the child's love had motivated Caregiver to keep fighting, to keep working to meet the child's needs. But now that the child didn't seem to even enjoy being home anymore, Caregiver's bitterness built thick, strong roots that threatened to crush the heart completely.
Caregiver became reclusive and rarely left home, other than for work and other necessities. Secretly fueled by hints from the people at the Other Place, friends and neighbors gossiped: Caregiver's going insane.
Most
of the people who had provided emotional support to Caregiver now distanced
themselves; they didn't want to be seen supporting an insane person. A few
remaining friends expressed their concerns to Caregiver. Hearing about the new
rumors, Caregiver wondered if they were true...maybe Caregiver was
crazy!
When the few remaining friends begged Caregiver to see a counselor, Caregiver felt embarrassed. Caregiver argued that going to a counselor could cause problems if word got back to the people at the Other Place, who might use the news to convince the People in Power that Caregiver was too mentally unstable to parent the child!
But when the friends reminded Caregiver that the child needed Caregiver to seek help to become stronger - mentally and emotionally - Caregiver complied.
During Caregiver’s first session, Caregiver discovered that talking to a counselor was helpful. Caregiver felt safer about sharing specifics after Counselor explained that federal laws - and professional codes of ethics - prohibit counselors from disclosing the identities of their clients.
Counselor
helped Caregiver to realize that the feeling of helplessness that comes with not
being able to protect ones child was creating enormous stress for Caregiver.
Counselor also explained that feeling crazy is normal in this kind of
"insane-making" situation; and that adult bullies often accuse their
victims of being "crazy" to keep others from providing support to
them.
After several more sessions, Caregiver was surprised to find lots of hidden anger. Counselor explained that the anger had been stuffed down inside for a long time. Together, Caregiver and Counselor identified the original sources of the anger.
Some of the anger was about having been isolated, disrespected, overwhelmed...and yes, frightened. A lot of the anger seemed to be towards the people at the Other Place who Caregiver was certain were hurting the child. Other anger was about having been betrayed and hurt by People with Power. Caregiver was ashamed to realize that much of the remaining anger was from having been rejected and unappreciated by the child. Caregiver asked, "How could anyone be angry at a child who is acting-out abuse?"
Counselor explained the concepts of burn-out and compassion fatigue. “It especially happens when we're so focused on helping someone else that we forget to take care of ourselves. When we burn-out, we feel angry at the people we’re trying to help. Our anger is a signal that we need to take better care of ourselves. We don’t have to stop caring to put our needs first; but we do need to focus more on taking care of ourselves."
Counselor
reminded Caregiver, who was a Christian, about a statement made by Jesus Christ:
"Love thy neighbor as thyself. In other words, you must first love
yourself before you have the ability to love another. This is not about being
selfish; it's about being a truly effective caregiver. You cannot help others to
survive until you first focus on your own survival. You cannot help your child
until after you help your own self."
As
Caregiver learned new ways to therapeutically express anger, Caregiver's
physical and emotional energy also increased.
Depression started to fade away; so did the bouts of secretive crying. Caregiver
was tired of feeling hopeless
and helpless…tired of being laughed at by friends and neighbors and coworkers…tired
of being bullied…tired of sacrificing for everyone else!
Caregiver
asked several friends and coworkers to start going out on "buddy
dates" whenever the child was away. Caregiver chose healthy activities that
helped Caregiver to feel better – at least for a little while.
Soon, Caregiver remembered how to
laugh and have fun.
Counselor reminded Caregiver of the importance of becoming strong and healthy - on the inside as well as the outside - before trying to help others become strong and healthy. "If your child is being abused, there is still time - down the road - for possible prosecution. But going through that process is immensely challenging and draining. If your strength is not built-up in advance, you will not have enough energy to get through all the stress without having serious stress-related problems. And your child will need you to be fresh, and strong and renewed, to be your child's support."
Caregiver expressed guilt about having fun while the child was being hurt at the Other Place. Counselor challenged Caregiver: "If your child is being abused, it is essential that the child come home to an adult who is strong and healthy. Your child does not need the additional stress of worrying about you while the child is experiencing great stress at the Other Place. Most children who are being harmed by an abusive parent hang onto the idea that the other parent will continue to be there for them, and will love them. If your child is being abused, your child may believe that as long as you are okay, the child will survive. So live a life that proves to your child that you are going to be okay."
After
several months of counseling, Caregiver
noticed that being less stressed-out made coming home a more positive experience
for the child. In
the past, Caregiver had blamed the Other Place for the child's behavioral
problems. Although it was probably true that the child was being persuaded
to rebel against Caregiver, the more Caregiver worked at being genuinely relaxed
and positive when the child was home, the more the child seemed to be willing to
trust Caregiver again.
Through
the Internet, Caregiver found support people and groups who taught Caregiver how
to provide for the needs of children, like Caregiver's child, who fall through
the cracks of the child protection system. Veteran caregivers warned Caregiver
that the fight will long and draining, and echoed Counselor's warnings to take
extra good self-care.
After
several more months, caregiver made a life-changing discovery that transformed Caregiver
from victim to conqueror; powerless to powerful; helpless to focused and
determined; weak to strong; and hopeless to joyous.
The discovery was profoundly simple: Caregiver had always possessed the one resource that the people at the Other Place would never have.
The marvelous resource could never be patented or duplicated or successfully faked, and yet it was the one resource that every human desires. Unlike money and power, it could not be stolen or destroyed...not even by death.
Laughing
with delight, Caregiver
realized that the resource is probably the only four-letter thing that the
people at the Other Place cannot give the child: love.
Counselor congratulated Caregiver for making this crucial discovery. Counselor explained that love is the key to healing; no matter what other adults may do to the child, as long as the child knows that Caregiver truly loves the child, the child will eventually recover.
The more Caregiver explored the concept and power of love, old fears and doubts faded. Positive new experiences helped Caregiver to hunger more deeply for the sensations that come with feeling and sharing genuine love with other humans.
Caregiver
cherished love. It was a much cleaner, fresher, purer sensation than
Caregiver’s old, rotting, stinking bitterness. Where hatred had once
threatened to destroy what was left of Caregiver’s heart, love softened and
reformed and filled its tender cracks and crevices.
Caregiver was so happy about being able to share love with others that
Caregiver felt no bitterness when people who – in the past – had shunned
Caregiver, started to reconnect and build healthy new relationships with
Caregiver.
Caregiver’s
biggest remaining fear was of the people at the Other Place. Counselor validated
Caregiver’s concerns, then added: “Here is a basic rule of thumb: if they
have threatened to hurt you before but haven’t done it, they probably won’t
do it now...attacking you now
would bring too much attention their way. Here are some ideas that
can help you deal with people like them more effectively.
“Many people think our true basic emotions are anger and love; but really, anger is an externalized form of self-protection so people won't notice our fear. One trauma specialist talks about aggressive children being like fawns hiding inside gorilla suits. Bullies like the people at the Other Place are really wearing bully facades. Inside those facades are little children who are terrified of the big outside world, and are also terrified of you. Remember, behind aggression is fear. If they behave aggressively towards you, that tells you how much they fear you. Otherwise, they would ignore you completely.
"The
flip side of fear is love. Keep that
formula in mind; it will serve you well. In every situation, in
every interaction with the world and other humans, and even with most animals,
we always – always have a choice
between responding in fear or responding in love. If we respond with aggression
or anger to hide our fear, it won't work, because the other party will respond
in kind. And if
we respond in fear, the other party may see us as vulnerable and attack. Love
doesn’t prompt aggression.
“Now if you are confronted by someone who is psychotic or very emotional, you need to physically distance yourself while behaving respectfully and calmly towards that person. Don't ever try to reason with insanity or pure emotion. It cannot work, because when a person is basically living out of the limbic, or emotional, brain system, they cannot be rationalized with. Stay clear of the people who act hostile towards you. And remember, you cannot save them from their self-destructiveness. Focus on saving your own self; let the authorities deal with them.”
Caregiver
was tearful and admitted having a strong desire to help the people at the Other
Place. Counselor reminded Caregiver that it is not Caregiver's responsibility to
heal them. "They do not trust you, they see you as their enemy. Remember
how Jesus said not to throw pearls before swine? People who act in animalistic
ways will trample on whatever is good that you try to give them, and then they
may attack you. It's not their fault; this is how much they operate on pain and
fear. They attack and kill what is good. Don't give them that opportunity;
your child needs you too much."
Caregiver told Counselor about a recent encounter in which one of the people from the Other Place seemed so fearful of Caregiver that the police were called for protection from Caregiver. Counselor replied, “The little child hiding inside that person's gorilla suit is terrified of you. Although it's good to know that you have the power to intimidate them, don't abuse it. Don't become like them; it's not worth it.”
Caregiver admitted struggling with that temptation. “I chose not to do it because I want to set a good example for my child."
Counselor replied, “Remember, if there is ever a choice between anger and love, or fear and love, choose love. Love is a very powerful and underused force in our society.”
Caregiver enjoyed a good belly laugh. “I never ever thought I would feel stronger than them! But I get it now – if I choose love, I am stronger!”
Eyes twinkling, Counselor replied: "And you're the winner.”
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